I want to write for the New York Times

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Dear Pinnacle Studio 14

I hate you.

Redesigning the almighty hot dog

American pediatricians are leading a charge to change the phallic shape of the delicious but not-so-nutritious hot dog. It seems the traditional camping favourite is a choking hazard, but unlike carrots, grapes, pears, apples, and popcorn, hot dogs are man-made and their rod-like shape can be easily changed. According to Canadian organization Safekids, about 44 children age 14 and under die every year from choking and another 380 are hospitalized. Almost half of those cases are from choking on food, although there's no indication in the article what foods they are choking on.

The solution? Have manufacturers slice hot dogs lengthwise (shall they eat them for us too?). After all, “The best way to protect kids is to design these risks out of existence,” said Dr. Gary Smith of Nationwide Children’s Hospital, the lead author of the policy published in the current issue of Pediatrics.

Design risks out of existence? Seriously? Shall we wrap the kids in a bubble at the same time and forbid them any and all sporting activities, which carry their own great risks? And why stop with man-made items? I'm sure given time and funding some mad scientist can reinvent the shape of potentially lethal produce. Just imagine the fields and fields of genetically-modified crops now. How's that for designing risk out of existence? Maybe all foodstuffs should have the following warning label: "If you ingest this orally, you may choke and die. Eat at own risk."

Seriously, if pediatricians want to freak out about something, why not worry about the contents of these sodium-laden man-made foods. Parents can manipulate the shape in their kitchens if it's really a choking hazard, but there's little they can do about the stuff packed inside those wieners (aside from comparing labels). Surely a bunch of educated folks can pick better battles to wage. Risk is part of life, and diligently cutting food for tiny mouths is part of being a parent.

I think a friend captured the sentiment well: "Gotta love the no-risk antiseptic culture that is manifesting itself ... My kid is going to eat hot dogs in the woods over a freaking open pit fire using sticks from trees as skewers!"

Here's another common sense piece about the hot dog debacle.

When tasteless and cheap merge

If we thought the puffin ad was a great joke in the world of political ads gone wrong, check out this spot coming out of California.

Yeah, if people are too busy laughing at your lousy ad to get the message, there's a problem. Can anyone take this candidate seriously now?

Sad news day

At the Mission? I had no idea. The Ottawa Citizen explains it better than the other paper, but this bit is from the Ottawa Sun:

Normee Ekoomiak, a Inuk man who left the shores of James Bay and became a renowned artist, author and later an addict, amputee and homeless man in Ottawa, died Monday. He was 61.

Ekoomiak had both legs and eight fingers amputated two years ago and was a far cry from the man that produced two paintings that are in the National Gallery.

From an early age, Ekoomiak showed he had a knack with a sewing needle. He'd soon move on from stitching garments and boots to more elaborate embroidery before turning to painting. The Canadian government hired him to be artist-in-residence at world exposition pavilions. Macmillan Canada published two of his books. But he hit the bottle hard and was living on the streets by the early 1990s.

Earlier this month, he talked with Sun freelance writer Ron Corbett at the Ottawa Mission. Corbett wrote: "He was a polite host the day I visited, although his room was spartan. There was nothing of a personal nature anywhere to be seen."

"I gave it all away," Ekoomiak said. "I did not want to have it around anymore."

There will be a service at the Mission on Friday starting at 1 p.m.

Aha! Knew it

A quote from Bluesfest was bugging me because I was sure it was wrong. But I wasn't taking notes and I couldn't find it anywhere to be sure. Well, I finally found a clip from that night.

Ed Kowalczyk said: "I'd like to thank Busta Rhymes for getting the hell off the stage" and not "I'd like to thank Busta Rhymes for getting the eff off the stage" as the Ottawa Sun reported.

Not that it matters. The point was the same, and from the video I think almost everyone agreed. Also, the reaction from the guy in the hat (I think it's Ed's brother, Adam) is kinda funny. Yay for the video clip!

Alien visit

A UFO was spotted in Ottawa Monday night. Apparently our extraterrestrial counterparts were checking out the Ottawa River. Since there are reports of unidentified lights zipping along the waterway, a booming sound, and now the Department of National Defence is checking out the scene, I think Ottawa's ripe for some conspiracy theories.

A quick search suggests this area is a "UFO hotspot." Here's a gem: Quebec abduction case. Well, it's the nation's capital and the area gets lots of tourists every year, so no one should be surprised the city's charms have reached the ears (or whatever they might have) of those farther afield.

I'm just waiting for the saucer of green men (and women, or whatever they might be) to descend on Parliament Hill.

UPDATE (Wed. July 29): The search is called off. The parties involved were: Ottawa Police Service, Ottawa Fire Department, Ottawa Paramedic Service, Gatineau Police, and CFB Trenton Search and Rescue. That's a lot of folks for a light plummeting into the water. An unidentified object has been spotted in the water, but the camera can't get a good look at it, so it will remain a mystery for now. At this point we should cue either the Twilight Zone or X-files music. I vote for X-files.