I want to write for the New York Times

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Dear Pinnacle Studio 14

I hate you.

Redesigning the almighty hot dog

American pediatricians are leading a charge to change the phallic shape of the delicious but not-so-nutritious hot dog. It seems the traditional camping favourite is a choking hazard, but unlike carrots, grapes, pears, apples, and popcorn, hot dogs are man-made and their rod-like shape can be easily changed. According to Canadian organization Safekids, about 44 children age 14 and under die every year from choking and another 380 are hospitalized. Almost half of those cases are from choking on food, although there's no indication in the article what foods they are choking on.

The solution? Have manufacturers slice hot dogs lengthwise (shall they eat them for us too?). After all, “The best way to protect kids is to design these risks out of existence,” said Dr. Gary Smith of Nationwide Children’s Hospital, the lead author of the policy published in the current issue of Pediatrics.

Design risks out of existence? Seriously? Shall we wrap the kids in a bubble at the same time and forbid them any and all sporting activities, which carry their own great risks? And why stop with man-made items? I'm sure given time and funding some mad scientist can reinvent the shape of potentially lethal produce. Just imagine the fields and fields of genetically-modified crops now. How's that for designing risk out of existence? Maybe all foodstuffs should have the following warning label: "If you ingest this orally, you may choke and die. Eat at own risk."

Seriously, if pediatricians want to freak out about something, why not worry about the contents of these sodium-laden man-made foods. Parents can manipulate the shape in their kitchens if it's really a choking hazard, but there's little they can do about the stuff packed inside those wieners (aside from comparing labels). Surely a bunch of educated folks can pick better battles to wage. Risk is part of life, and diligently cutting food for tiny mouths is part of being a parent.

I think a friend captured the sentiment well: "Gotta love the no-risk antiseptic culture that is manifesting itself ... My kid is going to eat hot dogs in the woods over a freaking open pit fire using sticks from trees as skewers!"

Here's another common sense piece about the hot dog debacle.

When tasteless and cheap merge

If we thought the puffin ad was a great joke in the world of political ads gone wrong, check out this spot coming out of California.

Yeah, if people are too busy laughing at your lousy ad to get the message, there's a problem. Can anyone take this candidate seriously now?

Sad news day

At the Mission? I had no idea. The Ottawa Citizen explains it better than the other paper, but this bit is from the Ottawa Sun:

Normee Ekoomiak, a Inuk man who left the shores of James Bay and became a renowned artist, author and later an addict, amputee and homeless man in Ottawa, died Monday. He was 61.

Ekoomiak had both legs and eight fingers amputated two years ago and was a far cry from the man that produced two paintings that are in the National Gallery.

From an early age, Ekoomiak showed he had a knack with a sewing needle. He'd soon move on from stitching garments and boots to more elaborate embroidery before turning to painting. The Canadian government hired him to be artist-in-residence at world exposition pavilions. Macmillan Canada published two of his books. But he hit the bottle hard and was living on the streets by the early 1990s.

Earlier this month, he talked with Sun freelance writer Ron Corbett at the Ottawa Mission. Corbett wrote: "He was a polite host the day I visited, although his room was spartan. There was nothing of a personal nature anywhere to be seen."

"I gave it all away," Ekoomiak said. "I did not want to have it around anymore."

There will be a service at the Mission on Friday starting at 1 p.m.

Aha! Knew it

A quote from Bluesfest was bugging me because I was sure it was wrong. But I wasn't taking notes and I couldn't find it anywhere to be sure. Well, I finally found a clip from that night.

Ed Kowalczyk said: "I'd like to thank Busta Rhymes for getting the hell off the stage" and not "I'd like to thank Busta Rhymes for getting the eff off the stage" as the Ottawa Sun reported.

Not that it matters. The point was the same, and from the video I think almost everyone agreed. Also, the reaction from the guy in the hat (I think it's Ed's brother, Adam) is kinda funny. Yay for the video clip!

Alien visit

A UFO was spotted in Ottawa Monday night. Apparently our extraterrestrial counterparts were checking out the Ottawa River. Since there are reports of unidentified lights zipping along the waterway, a booming sound, and now the Department of National Defence is checking out the scene, I think Ottawa's ripe for some conspiracy theories.

A quick search suggests this area is a "UFO hotspot." Here's a gem: Quebec abduction case. Well, it's the nation's capital and the area gets lots of tourists every year, so no one should be surprised the city's charms have reached the ears (or whatever they might have) of those farther afield.

I'm just waiting for the saucer of green men (and women, or whatever they might be) to descend on Parliament Hill.

UPDATE (Wed. July 29): The search is called off. The parties involved were: Ottawa Police Service, Ottawa Fire Department, Ottawa Paramedic Service, Gatineau Police, and CFB Trenton Search and Rescue. That's a lot of folks for a light plummeting into the water. An unidentified object has been spotted in the water, but the camera can't get a good look at it, so it will remain a mystery for now. At this point we should cue either the Twilight Zone or X-files music. I vote for X-files.

F U Busta Rhymes!

If you aren't going to get your sorry self on stage on time, don't force the second act and those waiting to hear them to sit back and wait 30 minutes while you mix your shit. Seriously. What was up with that?

The quick explanation: At Bluesfest Thursday, July 16 and Busta Rhymes is set to play the Bank of America stage at 7 p.m. Live is set to play the nearby Rogers stage at 8 p.m. Busta Rhymes didn't show up on time and instead hit the stage around 8 p.m. So fans at the Rogers stage had to listen to his crap mix for about 30 minutes with NO explanation as to what was going on. Needless to say, the crowd was getting restless waiting for Live while having to listen to something they didn't want to hear. Chants for Live got a quick appearance from Ed, who waved at the crowd and seemed to encourage the chanting, but no announcement, although most surmised Live had to wait because there'd be too much bleed between the competing stages. And at some point during Busta Rhymes attempt at a performance, someone went out, whispered in someone's ear, and then the audience was told he'd have to cut it short. It was a mercy to those gathered for Live when he did, in fact, shut up.

A couple of songs into Live's set, Ed confirmed what everyone had guessed when he thanked Busta Rhymes for getting the hell off the stage so Live could play. That garnered a cheerful response from the crowd. Unfortunately, it meant Live's encore bled into the beginning of Styx's performance. Despite that, it was a great show. Would've been nice to have had those lost 30 minutes. As an aside, Lawrence Gowan as Styx covering Gowan's Criminal Mind was freaking awesome!

The bigger issue is Bluesfest organizers, though. They really weren't in top form Thursday night. Mike Taylor cancelled and they still had him listed on the screens that night. When 8 p.m. rolled around they still had Busta Rhymes set for 7 p.m. and Live set for 8 p.m. I get that they changed the schedule on the fly, but seriously, if you're going to do that, at least make an announcement and don't leave the crowd hanging. Or, better yet, tell the latecomer he didn't make deadline, don't pay him, and run with the next act as scheduled.

I've yet to see an explanation for Busta Rhymes' late appearance. Rumours suggest he got held up in Montreal or was having a fit because he wasn't headlining. Whatever it was, it's not very professional and ended up being just a major fuck up all around.

Fishing for garden gnomes?

The NCC would like their gardening implements back:

"The Ottawa RCMP Traffic Section and their partners are currently investigating an accident that occurred this morning. A large truck from a landscaping company parked eastbound on Colonel By Drive, on the National Capital Commission (NCC) property, rolled into the Rideau Canal. No one was in the vehicle at the time of the accident.
This accident resulted in damages to the greenery, as well as some fences on the NCC property.
Some gardening items may be floating on the Rideau Canal. We ask that if you see such items that you contact NCC at 1-800-465-1867."

So, if you see a gnome floating face down in the canal, you now know what to do :) Who says Ottawa's boring?

For whatever it's worth, the Ottawa Sun has video.

Hating Ticketmaster

Regular ticket price? - check
Facility charge? - check
Convenience charge? - check
Delivery (print it yourself at home) fee? - check
Order processing fee? - check

'nuff said.
I suddenly recall why I hate concert prices. They're artificially inflated in so many ways.

Hopefully this is worth the stupidity that is Ticketmaster.

Foolishness

Sometimes the pranks work, sometimes they fall flat on their face. Of course, it seems one of these stories was more obviously a joke than the other, but I say this not having seen the original Pembroke story. It appears, though, that they made the mistake of quoting real people instead of attributing information to Dr. Jack Russell.

And sticking with the world of news, it seems the Ottawa Citizen has decided to take on racy adverts. It's the "skankification" of young women, a writer argues. I suspect he's never heard of American Apparel, but I guess it could be dismissed as not your average mom-and-pop shopping destination.

Who's the fool

Today's a good day to take bizarre news with a grain of salt. For example, here's a little gem that was sent my way. I admit I was taking it in at first, but something just didn't seem quite right. Then I got to this part:

But another genetics expert, Dr. Jack Russell, questioned how successful the program will be.
"Quite frankly, this whole scheme stinks to high heaven," he said.

Not to mention the $500 fine for the first offence. Wow. They're really into protecting shoes in Edmonton, aren't they? Oh, and the number at the bottom of the story... plugging it into a search engine reveals that it's the number to the paper.

You know what this means? Tomorrow I'll have to check the Edmonton Sun's page and see if they share the joke and let us know how many readers called the 'city.' I doubt it'll be up there with BBC's spaghetti crop, but it's got to be worth some laughs in the morning.

A flare?

I must be a magpie. A shiny object caught my attention. Then I started to wonder what it was. Since I didn't want to ruin a new pair of dress pants, I didn't bother sloshing out into the field to find out what it was. Although it occurs to me I have a pair of rubber boots in my trunk at all times ... just in case.

It's not quite over yet

While the optimist would agree with the link in the last post (it now says "yes," unless you click on it a second time) but I'd prefer "maybe." There is, after all, the need for both sides to ratify it. It's unlikely they won't, but who knows? This is the city and the union we're speaking about, here.

Of course, agreeing to binding arbitration with no strings attached 51 days after the strike starts is absurd. Seriously. Why didn't they just agree they couldn't agree and go that route at the beginning? Oh. Right. The feds were prorogued because Harper was having his own little political meltdown and the powers-that-be weren't breathing down city/union collective neck with the threat of back-to-work legislation. So, 51-plus days later and they're where they could've been on day one, with the exception of all the commuting headaches that ensued. This city kills me.

Of course, some conspiracy theorists are suggesting the newest development has more to do with getting things up and running and cleaning up the mess as best as they can before Obama comes to town. Ha. Even if it ends tomorrow, it'll take a while to get the system running. And ridership? Forget it. There'll be plenty of folk who've forsaken Ottawa's public transit.

The aftermath might be as interesting as the strike itself.

Is the bus strike over yet?

Here's your most up-to-date answer.

Bush on Virgin

The Bear is no more. Virgin bought it. And while I expect there to be some growing pains, I've had to listen to some songs that make me wonder if the format will be changed enough for me to have to find another station. Only time will tell.

The best part, though, is when the host said "It's Bush on Virgin." It's childish, I know, but it made me giggle. It probably doesn't help that the comment came after the host was talking about pants-free subway day being Jan. 10. As she noted, even if Ottawans wanted to stretch and make the O-Train their subway, it's not something anyone will be taking part in here.

Which brings me to the month-old strike (older, actually). Dunno what more can be said about the transit strike that hasn't already been said in almost every forum imaginable. The only real impact for me is the increased commute times thanks to the extra vehicles on the roads. Oh, and the hassle of carpooling a colleague -- that's cramping my style a bit. But I don't rely on transit (thankfully). I recall relying on transit during the '96 strike because I was still in high school. We crammed so many people in little cars, I'm surprised the police didn't pull us over. It was an interesting way to get to know classmates.

What I will say about the current strike is that it seems both sides have backed themselves into a corner and aren't willing to give an inch to even get back to the table. It's become more about saving face than working toward a real solution, which is a big problem. They sit on opposite sides, trading insults and contradicting one another in a very public way, and don't get anything done. The solution? Mayor Larry goes running to the feds for some help, so they force union members to vote on the city's last offer. The members vote it down by about 75%. Now the union can wave that in the face of city negotiators and say "I told you so." Nothing solved. The strike continues. Animosity grows.

A mediator is talking to both sides, separately, on Monday, according to reports. Maybe they'll find some common ground and get them back at the table. Maybe not. I've taken a bit of heat already for not coming out and calling the union bull-headed and demanding they lose their jobs. Well, like it or not, I don't actually believe everything the city says. While the union seems a bit radicalized (just check this out -- with their chanting, "brother and sister" propaganda talk, and lack of detailed analysis), I don't exactly trust the people who run this city, either. Of course, there's no way an employer shouldn't have more control over scheduling. The union isn't fighting the good fight on that one, especially in the realm of public opinion (not that the leaders seem to care, given their comments). It's a sticking point neither party will give on, though.

Binding arbitration might be the only solution, at this point.

A sign of the time?

Print newspapers aren't doing well this week.

There's the Christian Science Monitor that's shutting it's daily print edition in favour of going online. The story says after suffering financially for decades, it'll switch to the electronic format and weekend print editions.

The outlook for the future of print is a bit gloomy on our side of the border too. Apparently Ottawa-based Frank Magazine (not to be confused with the one in Halifax) is folding, both print and online. I'll let you decide if that's really a blow to journalism.

In New Brunswick the Carleton Free Press is shutting down operations as well. Why it's closing is becoming an interesting discussion. Is it because of big bad monopolies or just the market?

NOTE: I know it's a crappy photoshop job, but I don't have time to bother making it super pretty :)

Transitway memories

Ottawa's Transitway is turning 25 years old and the city has decided to celebrate by calling on residents to share their Transitway memories. In 500 words or less, riders are being encouraged to tell the city about their memorable encounters.

To quote transit committee chair Coun. Alex Cullen (from a press release): “We want to hear that story about how that charming person sitting beside you ended up becoming your spouse, or how a wonderful driver or kind passenger turned an ordinary day into an extraordinary one."

Uh huh. Surly staff and elected reps at the city can't be stupid enough to not realize what sorts of stories they're bound to get. Seriously. Transitway memories... that conjures up some less than celebratory-inducing stories.

A few of us were discussing the hilarity of this exercise. Here are the stories the concept of "Transitway memories" elicited:

1. Six years later there are still different breeds of the westbound 95s -- one to Baseline, one to Fallowfield and one to Strandherd. There are about two Baseline buses for each of the others, despite Barrhaven being one of the fastest growing communities. Just try getting on the Strandherd or Fallowfield ones -- they're always too packed.

2. Sex in a bus shelter surprise.

3. Encounters on the ghetto #2 bus with a man that was pants-free while wearing a top hat and a gaping trench coat.

4. The time two 95s were zipping along the Transitway in opposite directions, managed to knock each other's mirrors off while passing and didn't bother to stop.

5. Three words: no snow tires.

6. Taking the last 95 of the night/morning to Baseline, each time the bus pulled forward about half a dozen empty beer bottles would roll backwards under the seats and down the aisle, and when it stopped they'd roll forward.

7. Buses that just fail to show up, and 30 minutes later all arrive at the same time.

Caffeine intoxication anyone?

Remember that rant a while back about energy drinks? Well it's making headlines. Not the rant, but the issue in general. The Ottawa Citizen is running with this: Alarm grows over energy drinks.

The list at the end of the piece is interesting. The only problem is that it's probably U.S.-centric, which really sucks for a Canadian publication. From everything I've heard, and from what I've been able to find, Mountain Dew in Canada isn't caffeinated. Both CBC and BBC seem to support that tidbit of info.

Voting for mediocrity

It's election time again and it seems some candidates didn't bother waiting for the official call before their signs started popping up. Of course, some candidates used their budget as an elected rep a few weeks back to send out pamphlets that looked far more like campaign literature than the usual constituency information brochures. Rules? Pulling from the wrong budget? Blurring the lines between being an MP and being a candidate? Whatever could I be suggesting here?

Nothing new, that's for sure.

Pushing aside for a moment all the talk about fixed election dates and the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law (and who's breaking which promises), let's take a brief and absurd look at the leaders and see what options Canadians have this October.

Stephen Harper - One word: censorship. Unfair? Okay, *you* explain where the information flow got cut off following the last election.

Stephane Dion - If you can't be charismatic enough to win support the old-fashioned way, jump on the ever-popular environmental bandwagon and introduce something green and watch it implode.

Jack Layton - Remember Ontario under the NDP? Exactly.

Gilles Duceppe - Unless you live in Quebec you can't vote for Duceppe and his cronies, which says more than you might think.

Elizabeth May - With no chance of forming a government, the only real question is whether she'll get to at least join the national debates.